Women Are Smarter Than Men

When Mark found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

You Mamma is so fat her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

Heard In Court

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: And did he kill you?

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

A Short History of Medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

• 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
• 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
• 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
• 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
• 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
• 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

You Mamma is so fat the National Weather Service names each one of her f*rts.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

Heard In Court

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

I asked my mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.